Apologies

I feel like I should probably apologize for some of the things I have said in earlier posts. I say apologize for lack of better word but hear me out. As I was reading some posts, for example the one about bikinis and fatkinis, I felt like a fake. Because, somewhere down the line, I developed an affinity for fatkinis.

I also realize how much more open minded I have became with taking style risks. I mean, maybe my fashion palette refined a little. Maybe with years I became more aware of my body hence more accepting. I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is, but the fact is, a lot of my views have changed. And that is ok. To me it is a sign of growth. And I'm still going to blog about them. Indulge me or sue me, your choice.

So scratch a shitload of what I said before. Let's restart, 2019 version.

WEAR THAT BIKINI GIRL. Just make sure to get it in your size. I have bought so many bikinis in the past years; I cannot believe I was ever against them. 

Now that I have gotten my apologies to you out of the way I want to apologize to myself. Some recent events had me reminiscing about my past and I realize that I owe myself that much. 

At the end of the last month, my ex-husband passed. We were together 10 years. When we started dating I was 20, got married I was 26, divorced I was 30. And by no means am I going to talk ill about the dead, no. This is most certainly about me not him. His death, and all the messages I received had me thinking, really thinking about the relationship we had, and how we stayed together so long. 

I met Christian when I was really heavy, and not this confident. This man was head over heels in love with me. I remember he said that he had an eye for me since Haiti but we never really mingled so ... yeah anyway. I was a fat, shy girl at the time, no lie I didn’t even understand why this man was attracted to me. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, was trying every diet under the sun, and I would eat my weight in sweets every time someone mentioned my weight. So yeah, deep down I was a very insecure girl, in awe that a man was remotely into me, for whatever reason it may be. 

Fast forward to 2010, earthquake happens. This was, as weird as it may seem, my awakening. Life suddenly had new meaning. I had lost my favorite human being in the blink of an eye. My sisters and cousin barely made it out, bref lavi a pa mande stress sa!!! This is when I started really feeling the change in me. I started seeing myself differently, accepting all of me. At this point, I was reaching my 364lbs and I had never felt more at ease with myself. Because the change was mental. And also because of that change, I became more receptive when the doctor talked to me about diabetes and heart/weight related issues. (Because before, I would have shut down and eating ice cream to soothe my ego). I understood that my body needed TLC, and if losing weight meant caring for it, then that is what it would be. 

That is the year I got proposed to. And looking back now, if I was the person I am today, maybe I would have declined. But I probably wouldn't be who I am now without that experience. In the midst of all these life changing events: graduating college, losing my grandfather and my home, getting weight loss surgery, the excitement of getting engaged, I don’t know how to word my exact feelings, but I said yes. It was February of 2010; wedding was set for May 2011. 

Remember, I am just now getting out of my old mindset, working on my self love, acceptance and confidence. So we're not 100 yet (til this day we are not 100 yet but close 😉) Today I know I got married for the wrong reasons. I now understand that I felt obligated to marry this man because he was with me when I felt worthless. In my 26 year old brain, it was normal for me to stay with him, I owed him that. Not that there was no love, that is not what I am saying, but clearly this was not the man of my life. So I went through with it, not knowing that the changes I was going through would eventually tear us apart. Not knowing that our paths were diverging. But I married him regardless because in my head it was the right thing to do. And during that engagement year I sometimes had weird feelings, but I always reasoned with myself: "Bamby ou genle bliye kijan misye te pranw?" 

With the next couple years, I became a totally different person. I also became strong enough to voice my true feelings and make strong decisions. We ended up divorcing, nastily at that. But I take full responsibility for my weakness. Not that I am saying that I fucked up and ruined the marriage, but I acknowledge my weakness in this ordeal that led us to that point. And you know what, I am at peace with it all, because that is what growth means to me.

But I wonder every day, what if. What if I hadn't felt that guilt? What if I believed in myself more? What if society had taught me about accepting myself as I am? What if I had loved myself then like I do now? 

I don't regret my experience, and if you get to meet my son, you'll understand why. It also forged the woman I am today; the confidence, the decisiveness, the strength. 

The questions are endless, but one thing is for sure, Bamby, queen Sexy Patate, I apologize to you. 

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Sexy Patate 2.0

Hey guys,

I am so excited to be back at this. So excited that I don't even know where to start. 

I cannot believe it has been more than 4 years since my last post! So much has happened since then. Some I will share, some maybe not but, wow, I feel like such a different person. Rereading my previous entries made me realize how much growth and maturity I have acquired through the years. I feel like I have stories for days. Let's start with the most obvious (literally) one: I got plastic surgery!!!

Now let me explain this. Remember how I had lost a bunch of weight (about 130lbs). Fastforward a few years I got married, had a kid, divorced, plus stress of life and all that, i probably gained a good 50 back. But, that stomach of mine, which I've had since forever, even with less weight never went anywhere. It just got flabby. So, no lie, I cannot remember one time I've been able to look down and see my vagineeee (in my Anna voice). Until now that is!!! YES I can see my glorious privates without lifting any skin and I LOVE IT!!!

I've been thinking long and hard for a while about it and last month, I just took the plunge. Now I'm only like 2 weeks post "abdominoplasty" which is a tummy tuck + lateral lipo, so I cannot tell you yet what the end result will be, but I can see IT. 

It probably sounds so stupid to most of you, but I am sure someone, somewhere, knows exactly what I am talking about. The most irritating shopping failure is when you have to go up a size because your extra stomach skin doesn’t fit. You know...

Mind you, I am still my delicious chunky, voluptuous, sexy patate self, just without a stomach, and probably a better defined waist down the line. And I feel happy about that.

Now if we are talking process, boy oh boy, what a painful thing it is! Maybe if I knew it was this painful I would have dealt with the skin lifting forever. So this better turn out amazing. I didn’t have a natural birth, but I imagine the pain to be really close to it. 

I was recommended a doctor in DR who told me without hesitation she could do it, regardless that my weight was on the heavy side. And she did! In total, she said she removed 17lbs of sagging skin, and 6 liters of fat from each of my side. 

My friends, let me tell you about the torture called liposuction! This bitch hurts like hell!!! And nobody told me that after that, you have to get regular massages because the area hardens. Nobody told me, that sometimes, it feels like a million spiders are crawling under your skin. Nobody told me that your skin may feel like it is on fire at random moments. And they certainly did not tell me about drainage. 

Let me tell you about drainage. How every Google article says they put a drain after surgery on average for 8 to 10 days. IM ON DAY 19!!! Yes, average flew by me in a race car. Apparently the fluids your body is pushing out should be under 50ml a day for the drains to be safe to come out. Tell me why this body of mine is still pushing 200 strong. The doctors seem ok with it so I am not worried, but there are no words to explain how annoying it is. First of all it's connected to your thigh. So you have to watch out every move you make, and me being the clumsy queen... Then, (je suis une femme de style) you have to be very creative to incorporate it in your wardrobe so it can be discrete. And then, you just want it out. I mean enough!

Then, as if it wasn’t enough ordeals, there is this devil made torture device called FAJA. It is a compression garment, probably made by Lucifer himself, to squeeze the air out of you. I swear! Apparently it is a body shaper, well it is, but Jesus it's a pain.

And how about sleeping in one position through it all! I have been sleeping on my back for 19 days straight and it must be the most uncomfortable, unresting, back-killing, "I hate the most now" sleeping position ever.

I know I'm complaining a whole lot, but I wanted to share the experience. I could have acted like I went on a diet and hit the gym, like some people out there do (we know them lol) but I choose to share. Because I've always been an honest, straight shooter. And I feel like misleading people desperately trying to lose weight is mean.

Now I saved money for this, but it wasn't overly expensive. The whole thing including airfare was under 5k. And it was time I offered myself something I really wanted. 

Now next time you see me, don't gossip to your friends. I did get some work done. Just remember I did this for me. For my satisfaction. It wasn't because of low self-esteem, nor poor body acceptance. It was to refine the gem that I am. 

Now I probably need to get my butt in the gym for real cuz them arms and thighs... yeah we gotta work on them. 

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Dress Better; learn your shape

It took me quite some time to understand why clothes I bought that looked so good in the store, didn't turn out looking so great when I wore them.  I finally understood that my ill fitting clothes came from my lack of understanding my body type. Knowing me body type helped me understand that like age, size is nothing but a number. Only the fit counts. Trying out before you purchase is your best bet at figuring out what works best for your shape. But if like me you love online shopping, I recommend getting measured by a professional. You have to remember, sizes vary with brands, some same size can be cut totally different. Therefore, understanding what bet suit you is crucial for finding flattering clothes.  To help you figure it out, check this chart made by igigi (which sell great stuff but a bit pricey) I think it really illustrates best the body shapes and what suits them best. You can thank me later ;)

Now, the next time you see Sexy Patate clearly in "clothing difficulties" send her the chart.

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Sexy Patate Takeover ...

Lately, there has been (or maybe I just started noticing) a boom in articles and groups about self acceptance amongst the plus size female community. Photographers are making entire shoots with curvy women, showing off their bodies and voluptuous curves; even designers are defiantly adding plus size models to their runways. Check out this Sexy Patate takeover!!! I love it!

Let me let you in on a few observations  I've made on the plus size community. The goal is not only to achieve self love and acceptance but also, to have others see us as equals, as normal human beings. 

On one side, there's the insecure woman which is probably the saddest thing on this planet. She'll tend to be the push over; she's that one friend that will always do what others want. She'll be uncomfortable if given a compliment and generally walks with her head down. She is not, per say, a bad dresser; she just isn't convinced that she looks good, so nobody is convinced either. 

I wish people understood that your looks don't define you. Being bigger doesn't make you less beautiful, important, smart or desirable than anyone else. Your mental however can trick you into thinking that. Once a woman accepts her body and most importantly understands it, understands how to dress, understand how to carry herself, other people's views and opinions can no longer hurt her.

On the other side, there's the over-confident big woman, who becomes obnoxious and borderline ridiculous. She tends to be loud and extra-over-the-top, she wears her clothes way too tight; she aims to shock and usually does, not always in a good way. Her motto seems to be "if skinny girls can wear it, so can I". She has an IDGF attitude, She's an I don't care what they say or think kinda girl, which, quite often, is just a front.

Out of these two, you have to find your balance. While being confident and edgy, there's no need to ignore your real size when shopping. Act with class; you don't need to be the loudest in the room - bigger does not equal louder. Believe that you are a good looking woman, tastefully dressed. Most of all, stop seeing yourself as a plus sized woman. See your self as a woman, simple. Size is not your main attribute. 

I wish society would stop labeling people. Straight, gay, plus size, skinny, black, white; who cares? As long as you are comfortable in your skin, isn't that what matters?

I wish there was more I could do in Haiti to help my fellow Sexy Patate, more then a few words on a blog (I can't even find time to do this regularly). I remember once, designer Maelle David, had plus size girls model in an Ayiti Runway show. I wish such things were done more often. It really was a positive exposure for the Sexy Patates. 

Now, the next time you Sexy Patate doubt yourself, remember that there are more of us then the skinny ones (lmao) so hold your head up high, they get intimidated trust me!

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Shape, Shape, Shape

I know I've been neglecting my readers lately but you've got to forgive me. Between work, my kid, husband, dance and every other activity I, in some way, involve myself with, I haven't had a minute to sit down, relax and enjoy fueling my chronicles. But I think about it all the time, specially that random people approach me at the most random places (like a public bathroom or the supermarket) "I love your blog, it makes me feel like I know you; but you haven't written in a while" with a slightly accusing tone. 

I love the reception the blog is getting, not only from plus size women but from all women and men alike. I really enjoy being able to let people into a world that is right in front of them but that they might have never known about otherwise. I hope I also can reach women that have had low self esteem because society has made them feel like they are not worth anything. I wish that Sexy Patates around this country would truly start asserting themselves. We are here, aren't we? Why not be fabulous!?! The key is to believe it first, then, I dare anyone to say otherwise. (I truly believe that anyone who says I am not fabulous is just hating)

Now  let's tackle this week's subject: Sexy Patates getting in shape. Yes it is possible! 

I know first hand how discouraging it is to walk into a gym, with all the determination in the world, just to see sticks and bones everywhere in front of you. And these girls most of the time have the nerves to be complaining about their stomach being too fat, or the gap in their thighs not being wide enough. Bitch please, do you know when was the last time I saw a gap in my thighs? NEVER that's when!!! Anywho... so I know most gyms can be super frustrating for big girls, so one needs to be creative when finding alternatives. 

If in the states, I recommend strongly Curves (I hope it is still open). I went there while in college, and it's pretty cool. You meet women that are all overweight and encounter pretty similar issues with health, clothing, fitting in etc. But if in Haiti, there are no gyms "patate" oriented. A lot of people give walking a try. I'm not a walker, I actually hate it, but it seems to be great for some. I personally only dance. I dance 3 times a week at Ballet Folklorique d'Haiti, BFH for short and I love it. We do folklore and yoga, and after a dance session I feel amazing.

Now I am not encouraging you to work out to loose weight, I don't do it for that reason. I do it to be healthy. I have already accepted that I am a big girl. I'll probably never be small (not that I want to either) but for you to enjoy my fabulousness for many many years, I need to be as healthy as possible to live long. On top of it, my skin looks amazing, I'm light on my feet, I can outlast most (for example at carnaval, if you don't know ask around) and I have none of the illnesses most fat people do. 

So I encourage you to do it for yourself; be healthy, stay active, pick something to do, something you can have fun with. If you need another reason, do it so people can hate. You have no idea how many times I've heard "oh oh, li pi gro pasem, koman li fe bouje rapid konsa" (she's bigger than me, how can she move so fast?) I love it when they hate, it makes me even greater.

Now, all my Sexy Patates, please go out and get active. Make me proud, and make them eat their thumbs. Let other peole be the unhealthy ones with ugly skin!

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Step in my shoes ...

I heard through the grapevine that I am a sellout. Apparently my weight loss surgery means that I didn’t like myself as it was. I guess some people need a little schooling in that department.

First off, let me explain what surgery I had. I underwent a laparoscopic bariatric surgery called a sleeve gastrectomy. It means that the doctor did 4 little holes to go in and remove the bulge part of the stomach. The result is that the whole stomach, intestines and esophagus look uniformly tube like. So weight loss is INEVITABLE.

Now why did I get it done? Because I LOVE MYSELF MORE THEN ANYTHING!!! At 364lbs, I was at risk to get diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and any other illness related to obesity. I was fortunate enough to not suffer from them at that time, but it was coming, slowly but surely. I wasn’t healthy and I knew it. I had tried every diet you can think of without any real lasting results. On a less serious side, if you think finding nice stuff to wear at a size 16 is hard, try finding something more than a table cloth at a size 24. Dressing was one of the most frustrating and tedious things to do. Fitting in an airplane chair … you already know that story. And the comments! Jeez!!! Not the ones from strangers, the ones from your aunts and uncles who feel like because they are family they are entitled to say anything they please.

A year after surgery I was down to 210lbs. Yes, I’m still in the 200s and that is ok. I am a 5’11” goddess, all this fabulosity weighs - down to a small size 14 sometimes 12W. I discovered a whole new world. Shopping, while still hard as brain surgery, suddenly got slightly more pleasant and easier. I love getting on an airplane now, don’t even need that stupid belt extension anymore. I haven’t tried the amusement park yet, I guess I still have some work to do on myself, but Rome wasn’t built in one day, right?

Today I am probably around 240-250lbs, a sexy size 16, healthy as a horse. I still walk in a place and have people look at me like the elephant in the room, because that is what insecure people do, especially when they don’t understand why it is that you look 10 times better than they do. The most important thing is that I feel good in my skin. I am comfortable with who I am and what I look like. I may lose weight again (since my dance teacher asked me to) and I will love myself the same. Whatever happens, I’ll never look like a stick, so technically, I forever will be a sexy patate!!! And frankly I am totally fine with that. All this awesomeness has to stand out doesn’t it? I can’t walk around looking like everyone else.

So really it is not about being skinny, it is about being healthy; loving yourself means that you would want the best for yourself. That is what I want, hence my quest for health.

Now, next time you want to judge me, educate yourself first. You can also ask me, I am an open book at this point. I don’t put my stories out there for popularity, that means nothing to me. I do it because I hope to touch at least one person who is struggling with their body issues; I hope to get one person out of their funk and help them realize that being big is not the end of the world. I want to do for someone what no one did for me.

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Bikini, Fatkini ...

I had said in a previous post how I don’t think big girls should wear bikinis. I think I pissed off a few patates in denial, who thought it was cute as long as they felt comfortable wearing them. Then last week I stumbled upon this article that talked about a movement among the plus size community called fatkini, and I thought about what I had said previously.

Before I go on, let’s explain this fatkini thing. It has become an empowerment movement for big girls to embrace their bodies and flaunt it by posting pictures of themselves in bikinis on social media. It has become about self-acceptance and breaking the “norm” by wearing something that was deemed unsexy if I may put it that way.

Now I love the movement itself for what it represents, I truly do. I am all for accepting your body and making others accept you. I’m all for stepping out of the shadow and making people see you. Would I do a #fatkini picture? HELL NAH!!!

By no means, am I ashamed of my body. I love every inch of it now (except maybe my toes) like I loved every inch of it at 364lbs, like I’ll love every inch of it when I loose my 60 extra lbs. I set goals for myself, I want to better how I see myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t love it all. I am never afraid to go to the beach or walk in a room full of people. I walk around like I own the place, because frankly, I think I  am an extremely good looking woman who has nothing to be ashamed of. But I also believe that to look this good you have to find clothing that suits your body shape, covers your flaws and enhances your strong points. I am probably being labeled vain, but that is ok, I can live with that.

Now back to bikinis. I haven’t seen a patate in a bikini that looked good, NEVER!!! Notice I didn’t say plus size, I said patate. I want to point out the difference I am making right now. In my head, plus-size refers to a plus-size model, who is typically a size 12, with no rolls nor gut. She’s a shapely woman who isn’t skinny but in society wouldn’t be considered big. Whereas my patates, are like me, we have rolls and a stupid belly which always wants to be seen, our arms and thighs giggle to the faintest move we make. Now I don’t see how wearing two tiny pieces of fabric would look cute. I guess it may sound contradictory, and I probably am not doing a very good job at explaining myself but I do think it is hideous. Patates can look amazing, even more when they embrace themselves; but I still believe bikinis do nothing for us. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder; well this beholder right here looks at all the fatkini pictures and the only beautiful thing about it, is the confidence these women have.

Now I take it that it’s all about personal choice. Would I wear a bikini? nope! Would I tell any patates not to wear it? Probably! Are you obligated to listen to me? Absolutely not!!! I do love to voice my opinion, but I am a strong believer of doing what I feel is right for me, so who am I to prevent people from doing the same.

Now, next time one of you Sexy Patates wears a bikini, remember to hastag #fatkini to your picture to join the movement. In the meantime I’ll be looking fabulously sexy in my one piece.
Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate