Apologies

I feel like I should probably apologize for some of the things I have said in earlier posts. I say apologize for lack of better word but hear me out. As I was reading some posts, for example the one about bikinis and fatkinis, I felt like a fake. Because, somewhere down the line, I developed an affinity for fatkinis.

I also realize how much more open minded I have became with taking style risks. I mean, maybe my fashion palette refined a little. Maybe with years I became more aware of my body hence more accepting. I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is, but the fact is, a lot of my views have changed. And that is ok. To me it is a sign of growth. And I'm still going to blog about them. Indulge me or sue me, your choice.

So scratch a shitload of what I said before. Let's restart, 2019 version.

WEAR THAT BIKINI GIRL. Just make sure to get it in your size. I have bought so many bikinis in the past years; I cannot believe I was ever against them. 

Now that I have gotten my apologies to you out of the way I want to apologize to myself. Some recent events had me reminiscing about my past and I realize that I owe myself that much. 

At the end of the last month, my ex-husband passed. We were together 10 years. When we started dating I was 20, got married I was 26, divorced I was 30. And by no means am I going to talk ill about the dead, no. This is most certainly about me not him. His death, and all the messages I received had me thinking, really thinking about the relationship we had, and how we stayed together so long. 

I met Christian when I was really heavy, and not this confident. This man was head over heels in love with me. I remember he said that he had an eye for me since Haiti but we never really mingled so ... yeah anyway. I was a fat, shy girl at the time, no lie I didn’t even understand why this man was attracted to me. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, was trying every diet under the sun, and I would eat my weight in sweets every time someone mentioned my weight. So yeah, deep down I was a very insecure girl, in awe that a man was remotely into me, for whatever reason it may be. 

Fast forward to 2010, earthquake happens. This was, as weird as it may seem, my awakening. Life suddenly had new meaning. I had lost my favorite human being in the blink of an eye. My sisters and cousin barely made it out, bref lavi a pa mande stress sa!!! This is when I started really feeling the change in me. I started seeing myself differently, accepting all of me. At this point, I was reaching my 364lbs and I had never felt more at ease with myself. Because the change was mental. And also because of that change, I became more receptive when the doctor talked to me about diabetes and heart/weight related issues. (Because before, I would have shut down and eating ice cream to soothe my ego). I understood that my body needed TLC, and if losing weight meant caring for it, then that is what it would be. 

That is the year I got proposed to. And looking back now, if I was the person I am today, maybe I would have declined. But I probably wouldn't be who I am now without that experience. In the midst of all these life changing events: graduating college, losing my grandfather and my home, getting weight loss surgery, the excitement of getting engaged, I don’t know how to word my exact feelings, but I said yes. It was February of 2010; wedding was set for May 2011. 

Remember, I am just now getting out of my old mindset, working on my self love, acceptance and confidence. So we're not 100 yet (til this day we are not 100 yet but close 😉) Today I know I got married for the wrong reasons. I now understand that I felt obligated to marry this man because he was with me when I felt worthless. In my 26 year old brain, it was normal for me to stay with him, I owed him that. Not that there was no love, that is not what I am saying, but clearly this was not the man of my life. So I went through with it, not knowing that the changes I was going through would eventually tear us apart. Not knowing that our paths were diverging. But I married him regardless because in my head it was the right thing to do. And during that engagement year I sometimes had weird feelings, but I always reasoned with myself: "Bamby ou genle bliye kijan misye te pranw?" 

With the next couple years, I became a totally different person. I also became strong enough to voice my true feelings and make strong decisions. We ended up divorcing, nastily at that. But I take full responsibility for my weakness. Not that I am saying that I fucked up and ruined the marriage, but I acknowledge my weakness in this ordeal that led us to that point. And you know what, I am at peace with it all, because that is what growth means to me.

But I wonder every day, what if. What if I hadn't felt that guilt? What if I believed in myself more? What if society had taught me about accepting myself as I am? What if I had loved myself then like I do now? 

I don't regret my experience, and if you get to meet my son, you'll understand why. It also forged the woman I am today; the confidence, the decisiveness, the strength. 

The questions are endless, but one thing is for sure, Bamby, queen Sexy Patate, I apologize to you. 

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate