Apologies

I feel like I should probably apologize for some of the things I have said in earlier posts. I say apologize for lack of better word but hear me out. As I was reading some posts, for example the one about bikinis and fatkinis, I felt like a fake. Because, somewhere down the line, I developed an affinity for fatkinis.

I also realize how much more open minded I have became with taking style risks. I mean, maybe my fashion palette refined a little. Maybe with years I became more aware of my body hence more accepting. I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is, but the fact is, a lot of my views have changed. And that is ok. To me it is a sign of growth. And I'm still going to blog about them. Indulge me or sue me, your choice.

So scratch a shitload of what I said before. Let's restart, 2019 version.

WEAR THAT BIKINI GIRL. Just make sure to get it in your size. I have bought so many bikinis in the past years; I cannot believe I was ever against them. 

Now that I have gotten my apologies to you out of the way I want to apologize to myself. Some recent events had me reminiscing about my past and I realize that I owe myself that much. 

At the end of the last month, my ex-husband passed. We were together 10 years. When we started dating I was 20, got married I was 26, divorced I was 30. And by no means am I going to talk ill about the dead, no. This is most certainly about me not him. His death, and all the messages I received had me thinking, really thinking about the relationship we had, and how we stayed together so long. 

I met Christian when I was really heavy, and not this confident. This man was head over heels in love with me. I remember he said that he had an eye for me since Haiti but we never really mingled so ... yeah anyway. I was a fat, shy girl at the time, no lie I didn’t even understand why this man was attracted to me. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, was trying every diet under the sun, and I would eat my weight in sweets every time someone mentioned my weight. So yeah, deep down I was a very insecure girl, in awe that a man was remotely into me, for whatever reason it may be. 

Fast forward to 2010, earthquake happens. This was, as weird as it may seem, my awakening. Life suddenly had new meaning. I had lost my favorite human being in the blink of an eye. My sisters and cousin barely made it out, bref lavi a pa mande stress sa!!! This is when I started really feeling the change in me. I started seeing myself differently, accepting all of me. At this point, I was reaching my 364lbs and I had never felt more at ease with myself. Because the change was mental. And also because of that change, I became more receptive when the doctor talked to me about diabetes and heart/weight related issues. (Because before, I would have shut down and eating ice cream to soothe my ego). I understood that my body needed TLC, and if losing weight meant caring for it, then that is what it would be. 

That is the year I got proposed to. And looking back now, if I was the person I am today, maybe I would have declined. But I probably wouldn't be who I am now without that experience. In the midst of all these life changing events: graduating college, losing my grandfather and my home, getting weight loss surgery, the excitement of getting engaged, I don’t know how to word my exact feelings, but I said yes. It was February of 2010; wedding was set for May 2011. 

Remember, I am just now getting out of my old mindset, working on my self love, acceptance and confidence. So we're not 100 yet (til this day we are not 100 yet but close 😉) Today I know I got married for the wrong reasons. I now understand that I felt obligated to marry this man because he was with me when I felt worthless. In my 26 year old brain, it was normal for me to stay with him, I owed him that. Not that there was no love, that is not what I am saying, but clearly this was not the man of my life. So I went through with it, not knowing that the changes I was going through would eventually tear us apart. Not knowing that our paths were diverging. But I married him regardless because in my head it was the right thing to do. And during that engagement year I sometimes had weird feelings, but I always reasoned with myself: "Bamby ou genle bliye kijan misye te pranw?" 

With the next couple years, I became a totally different person. I also became strong enough to voice my true feelings and make strong decisions. We ended up divorcing, nastily at that. But I take full responsibility for my weakness. Not that I am saying that I fucked up and ruined the marriage, but I acknowledge my weakness in this ordeal that led us to that point. And you know what, I am at peace with it all, because that is what growth means to me.

But I wonder every day, what if. What if I hadn't felt that guilt? What if I believed in myself more? What if society had taught me about accepting myself as I am? What if I had loved myself then like I do now? 

I don't regret my experience, and if you get to meet my son, you'll understand why. It also forged the woman I am today; the confidence, the decisiveness, the strength. 

The questions are endless, but one thing is for sure, Bamby, queen Sexy Patate, I apologize to you. 

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate

Sexy Patate 2.0

Hey guys,

I am so excited to be back at this. So excited that I don't even know where to start. 

I cannot believe it has been more than 4 years since my last post! So much has happened since then. Some I will share, some maybe not but, wow, I feel like such a different person. Rereading my previous entries made me realize how much growth and maturity I have acquired through the years. I feel like I have stories for days. Let's start with the most obvious (literally) one: I got plastic surgery!!!

Now let me explain this. Remember how I had lost a bunch of weight (about 130lbs). Fastforward a few years I got married, had a kid, divorced, plus stress of life and all that, i probably gained a good 50 back. But, that stomach of mine, which I've had since forever, even with less weight never went anywhere. It just got flabby. So, no lie, I cannot remember one time I've been able to look down and see my vagineeee (in my Anna voice). Until now that is!!! YES I can see my glorious privates without lifting any skin and I LOVE IT!!!

I've been thinking long and hard for a while about it and last month, I just took the plunge. Now I'm only like 2 weeks post "abdominoplasty" which is a tummy tuck + lateral lipo, so I cannot tell you yet what the end result will be, but I can see IT. 

It probably sounds so stupid to most of you, but I am sure someone, somewhere, knows exactly what I am talking about. The most irritating shopping failure is when you have to go up a size because your extra stomach skin doesn’t fit. You know...

Mind you, I am still my delicious chunky, voluptuous, sexy patate self, just without a stomach, and probably a better defined waist down the line. And I feel happy about that.

Now if we are talking process, boy oh boy, what a painful thing it is! Maybe if I knew it was this painful I would have dealt with the skin lifting forever. So this better turn out amazing. I didn’t have a natural birth, but I imagine the pain to be really close to it. 

I was recommended a doctor in DR who told me without hesitation she could do it, regardless that my weight was on the heavy side. And she did! In total, she said she removed 17lbs of sagging skin, and 6 liters of fat from each of my side. 

My friends, let me tell you about the torture called liposuction! This bitch hurts like hell!!! And nobody told me that after that, you have to get regular massages because the area hardens. Nobody told me, that sometimes, it feels like a million spiders are crawling under your skin. Nobody told me that your skin may feel like it is on fire at random moments. And they certainly did not tell me about drainage. 

Let me tell you about drainage. How every Google article says they put a drain after surgery on average for 8 to 10 days. IM ON DAY 19!!! Yes, average flew by me in a race car. Apparently the fluids your body is pushing out should be under 50ml a day for the drains to be safe to come out. Tell me why this body of mine is still pushing 200 strong. The doctors seem ok with it so I am not worried, but there are no words to explain how annoying it is. First of all it's connected to your thigh. So you have to watch out every move you make, and me being the clumsy queen... Then, (je suis une femme de style) you have to be very creative to incorporate it in your wardrobe so it can be discrete. And then, you just want it out. I mean enough!

Then, as if it wasn’t enough ordeals, there is this devil made torture device called FAJA. It is a compression garment, probably made by Lucifer himself, to squeeze the air out of you. I swear! Apparently it is a body shaper, well it is, but Jesus it's a pain.

And how about sleeping in one position through it all! I have been sleeping on my back for 19 days straight and it must be the most uncomfortable, unresting, back-killing, "I hate the most now" sleeping position ever.

I know I'm complaining a whole lot, but I wanted to share the experience. I could have acted like I went on a diet and hit the gym, like some people out there do (we know them lol) but I choose to share. Because I've always been an honest, straight shooter. And I feel like misleading people desperately trying to lose weight is mean.

Now I saved money for this, but it wasn't overly expensive. The whole thing including airfare was under 5k. And it was time I offered myself something I really wanted. 

Now next time you see me, don't gossip to your friends. I did get some work done. Just remember I did this for me. For my satisfaction. It wasn't because of low self-esteem, nor poor body acceptance. It was to refine the gem that I am. 

Now I probably need to get my butt in the gym for real cuz them arms and thighs... yeah we gotta work on them. 

Until next time my fellow fatties, friends and readers (you too haters, I know y’all can’t help but secretly read). Stay fabulous! #teamsexypatate